Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
