fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
