I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
