when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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