I heard we made out
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
