dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
