Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
