Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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