My nipple is on Facebook.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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