her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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