also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
