happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
