You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
