I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
We named our party play list daddy issues
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
