I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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