Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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