Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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