So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Cover your peen. We're going out.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
