Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
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