I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
