No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
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You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
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This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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