Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You need a sexual gate keeper
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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