My Higher Power is John Stamos
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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