Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
