I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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