I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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