my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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