Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
