Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
