I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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