you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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