i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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