In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
