the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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