If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
