remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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