my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
