your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
