You made me cry and you don't even care
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize