When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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