Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
