Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
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Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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