Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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