So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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