Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
