U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
