You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
