theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
We got so high we made milksteak
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
