She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
