i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
