I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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