Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
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