...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
