i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
